I’ve been starting to think that early dating is supposed to be catastrophic by design. I’ve had the luxury of talking in depth with a lot of older men and women on this topic, they were very candid on what the deal was. Women pick D-bags usually because said men’s perceived confidence levels are high. After being repeatedly burned, they eventually wise up. Some take longer than others. Some never get it at all. After they do get it, they start shifting their priorities and value systems.

For men, it’s also a good thing. Usually the nice guys tend to roll over too much. Women “want a man to be a man, dammit!” After a guy’s had his shit ruined a few times, he’s finally reached the “honestly babe, lets do this or I walk, fine by me” stage, and accidentally discovered: confidence. He has finally found the thing women want to see in their men. As a nice guy he actually wants to make her happy, actually cares if she lives or dies, and actually has a plan for his future and no stupid habits. She’s ecstatic. “Omg you have no idea how few guys there are like you out there ♥”

Now I’ve made about every mistake a “nice guy” can make, some of them between 2 and 61 times. At times the “guy who didn’t get it </3, he doesn’t notice me”, other times the guy who didn’t shut up. (Okay, lots of times..)
I wrote this list in a Facebook post a while back. I’ve revised it a bit as to not leave out female readers.

After a few years of work on this and introspection, I came to this:
1) All you can worry about is you. If you know you have issues, fix them or work to remedy them. You will be better off for you, and for the person you wish to be with. If you find yourself saying, “It would just be better if I got someone else,” you’re probably self medicating your own problems with relationships. Stop using other people to fill the void, and work on yourself. You’re supposed to believe that you’re worth being with for someone else, NOT that you’re looking for someone to make all the bad things in the world stop being bad. You will always be disappointed.

2) Be confident. Don’t look for it in a powder in GNC, or a “sex panther” cologne, or a Dragon Ball Z gelled up haircut. (Besides, girls who go for that have the herp.) I don’t know what the female equivalent of this stuff is, but I know you ladies have bizarre rituals too. But here’s a ladies specific hint: Drop the gossip mags. A friend of mine once read a few of the theories the  scholars of “Cosmo” had. They were garbage. I couldn’t even begin to describe in words just how devoid of reality those ideas were.

3) Don’t get stuck in a cycle of picking up trainwreck person after trainwreck person. They’re often beyond the fixing of a few weeks/months time of a single person. Some aren’t fixable. A lot of guys admit that they found “The one” when they stopped picking up the same sad story cases.

4) Water tends to find its level. Train-wrecks tend to find each other. Give it time, and grab the popcorn. /If you’re insistent on staying with a train-wreck, don’t ask for sympathy when this happens.

You’re not conducting the train. You’re along for the ride.

5) Be selective. Pick sane smart people that have a handle on basic logic. I know that’s difficult, but there’s no other way. Over and over again divorcees will mention, “I kept ignoring what I was seeing. Honestly I should have trusted myself.” That time they were AWFUL to a waiter/waitress for no reason. All those times they flipped out over absolutely nothing. The bad decisions. They usually sit there kicking themselves for ignoring the warning signs.

6) Stay the course. Nice guys do bad in the short term, but it’s the right path in the long term as long as he doesn’t get himself stuck in a tar pit. The same goes for ladies.
A true nice guy is a rarity. I’ve been told that by every woman with opposable thumbs that I’ve met, with only one exception. (I had the gall to tell her that ditching my best friend for an ex-con that’s “cute and in a band <3″ that was obviously cheating on a woman he was currently with – was a bad idea. Yeah, I’m the asshole.)
Seriously we keep hearing this stuff, “Nice guys finish alright in the end”- but it’s true.

7) Look for maturity in your prospective ladies. It will make life easier, even if things don’t work you end up with a good friend, one actually worth keeping – not that stupidly hot chick that complains about guys that don’t treat her right. Ladies- for you this doesn’t mean the guy who only calls you at 2am asking “What’s up.”  He’s not worth your damn time.

8) You can’t fix stupid. I don’t care how hot she is. If she’s stupid she’s stupid. Move on. It’s just not worth it.
Same goes for men. Ladies if he’s got serious issues or a pattern of bad habits, you can’t fix him. Here’s the ugly truth: Often times people pick up those incredibly flawed people simply because they’re good looking.  (That’s not to say that ugly people can have a bad personality as well, that happens of course).  It’s the truth though. Stop making excuses because their only save graces are their looks,  or they’re “fun to be around,” other things come to play in relationships, don’t ignore them.

9) Ladies specific: Don’t date him because “he tells me I’m pretty <3.” I’ve heard that herp-derp more than once. It seems basic to have to mention it, but I can’t stress it enough. More than one man will find you attractive, TRUST me. You are not saddled with picking the one that treats you like shit and takes you for granted. Yes he says he cares about you. If he’s saying it to four other women at the same time, those words likely don’t mean the same thing to you, that they do to him.

I’m not the paragon of dating knowledge, I won’t tell you I am. In fact some might think the above advice is so generic and general  that it’s useless – but I assure you those things are true. It’s what the “been there done thats” try to tell every youngin’ that will listen. It will save time and heartache if we really take it to heart, it’s time honored dating logic.