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You’re in luck! I have a simple guide for you!
Leadership for idiots: How to ruin a task
-Give vague expectations! Step 1 for getting bad results is not giving your team members a picture of those end results. Protip: Do not hesitate to substitute grandiose generalities in place of specific and realistic goals.
-Do not give directions. If you want it done a certain way, this is the perfect opportunity for a guessing game. Even better: If you wish to lay the guilt onto someone retroactively to “make a point”, particularly about your own skills or talents? This is a good avenue to do it.
-Leave out details. People LOVE surprises! :D Especially ones that could have been avoided beforehand with a simple heads up.
-Planning is for chumps. Consider leaving out planning from the get go. It’s true that things seldom work as planned, they rarely survive first contact with reality… so consider leaving out the process completely, it will enhance the chaos.
-Express a lack of confidence in the person before they do the task, or while they’re attempting it. Later, if they succeed, imply that this was your plan all along, that this was some kind of test.
-Don’t hesitate to play games
-Use manipulation instead of direct and clear communication
-When abdicating duties, do not pick someone suited toward the task. If you have a world class _____ on your staff, have someone else do it! This is sure to have people complain.
-Always confuse enthusiasm for ability
-Serious flaws in the mechanics of an operation are to be ignored if someone brings them up before it begins. Why fix it? Well that’s for winners and people who DON’T want projects to go well over budget and over time.
-Do not show appreciation on completion for the task. If your task was completed successfully, doing this is sure to make the next one harder!
-When mistakes are being made, never directly acknowledge it and talk about causes. That’s called teaching, and that’s for those who want to convey knowledge and better the lives of others.
Your goal is to say “I told you so.” Sit them down and rip them up! A good student is one that can learn from even bad teachers,but a majority of people are not good students. A good teacher is one who can handle the problem cases TOO, so avoid this at all costs!
I hope this helps you in your journey to making the lives of your underlings a living hell- and adding complexity where it does not need to be!
No more commentary is necessary, enjoy the clip!
“Captain obvious, I have a pretty good life. I have the gift of good health, I have a family that loves me, I have friends that are there for me, but this isn’t good enough. I want to drive my life’s car straight into the ditch of fail. What can I do?”
Well, you’re in luck! See I spend a lot of time talking to older folks, and you can boil down some of life’s biggest fails into six things.
1) Ignore the obvious.
Sometimes life gives us warning signs, it’s up to us to see them! If your cast of friends that has habits, hobbies, and choices like yours – is constantly running into problems with the law? This is a sign. If your spouse is being abusive (physically or verbally) and you find yourself constantly crying to friends and family about it? This is a sign. If you’re constantly broke because you’re paying for, say, a pogs collection- and you don’t have money for essentials? This is a sign.
Pain without knowledge is fruitless! Remember: If your goal is failing, if things hurt or seem very difficult, you’re on the right track. Life’s hiccups hurt because we’re supposed to learn from them, failure is supposed to be the same way. See, when winners fail they reexamine the situation, change things around, and try again – or give up on a lost cause. But notice that operative word: Winners. Reexamination is for winners. If your goal is ruining your life? Keep putting your hand in the waffle iron!
2) Become an addict.
Whitney Houston. Michael Jackson. Heath Ledger. John Belushi. Chris Farley. Kurt Cobain. Mitch Hedberg.
Rich. Famous. Talented. Loved by Millions. They’re all gone now. If you want a pretty good path to screwing up your life, get on that track and stay on it. One can screw up their life royally and not die- while many drug addicts are still alive, they’re plenty screwed up. Bonus: It makes the lives of loved ones harder too.
Some addicts eventually go to rehab and get clean, and go on to live normal and happy lives. But if you’re hellbent on ruining your life? Rehab is for suckers! (See: Reexamination is for winners)
3) Get in a relationship with a loser
It worked for Whitney Houston, and it’s worked for millions! Being with the wrong person can make your life absolutely miserable, it can stay that way for a long time even after the break up. I was talking to an older friend of mine; a good friend of his from high school recently got a divorce. The marriage was miserable but he tried to stick it out, now he’s broken emotionally – and also will be so financially soon. (I’m sure the women’s studies major types that aren’t reading this blog are butt hurt that I didn’t mention that men can be bad too. That’s right, I didn’t, because that’s a non-point that’s so obvious that it goes without saying, hence the phrase. Everyone knows men and women can be equally as good OR EVIL, that’s what equality is all about.)
If you dump an ex, and every one of your friends is ecstatic that you’ve left them behind, getting back together with them is a sure bet to make your life more difficult until you get tired of the BS.
4) Never ask questions
Asking questions is a great way to learn, and learning is for successful people! Failure to learn is a good way to stay in the same place stagnating. Why ask questions when you can proudly tell professionals/the experienced how to do their job? Who needs actual knowledge or experience anyway? Remember: Try to figure out everything yourself. “Pride goes before destruction” is a warning for some, but it can be a very effective blue print making your life harder than it needs to be if that’s your goal.
5) Envy others, hate yourself
“You never catch the dragon.” People who envy others and believe that if they do this one thing or get XYZ, they’ll be fine? Seldom end up feeling fine even if they get it. If you want your life to feel more stressful than it needs to be, sit around thinking all day about what you don’t have. Think about how unfair it is that others were born with more of this or that, and never let it go. It’s no one’s fault you were born in the circumstances you were (good or bad), or that others were given certain advantages or disadvantages (that they may have later conquered to become successful) – but this doesn’t prevent you from holding on to it.
The reality is that people living in the civilized modern world in the year 2012 have it better than a very large percentage of the people living on the planet *right now*. If you’re reading this from a high speed internet connection, you have more freedoms and a greater availability of goods/services than a solid 99% of the people who have walked the Earth during its history! But don’t let this get your spirits up, think of everything in terms of who has what, who is “privileged” by whatever metric you chose to focus all your attention to, and all other manner of envy breeding garbage.
6) Constantly look for magic bullets
People sometimes have moments where they realize they have a problem- say you have such a moment, but you don’t want to break your commitment to your mission to steer your life into the ditch. What do you do, is it over? Are you resigned to reforming your life and getting more of what you want out of it? You’re in luck… all is not gained… Begin the pursuit of magic bullets. Why use a comprehensive fix that’s guaranteed to work, when you can search for band aids? Hard work and dedication is for winners, quick fixes are for people in denial that don’t want results. Magic bullets come in many forms, try as many as you can find, and make up new ones as you go along!
Well, maybe ruining my life is not for me, what can I do?
First off, avoid the above mentioned steps to making life difficult.
Next, follow these basic guidelines:
1) Don’t get in trouble with the law
2) Don’t take on dumb debt. Nothing is free in this world- you pay for it later, or end up asking others to do it for you.
3) Recent studies have shown that intercourse may lead to pregnancy (in the state of California), treat it seriously if you do not want to have children right now.
4) Don’t get the herp
5) Don’t start abusing drugs/alcohol
6) Obey the one commandment! This one is real simple, a real good rule of thumb.
“Don’t go stupid places, and do stupid things, with stupid people.” If you’re hanging out in a parking lot frequently monitored by police, and doing drugs with a bunch of people that have criminal records? You’ve checked off all 3 boxes. This rule is great, even if you accidentally do one of these things, avoiding the other two tends to keep you out of trouble.
None of those things will make you rich, none of those things are a 100% guarantee of happiness – but they’re a good head start!
For men, it’s also a good thing. Usually the nice guys tend to roll over too much. Women “want a man to be a man, dammit!” After a guy’s had his shit ruined a few times, he’s finally reached the “honestly babe, lets do this or I walk, fine by me” stage, and accidentally discovered: confidence. He has finally found the thing women want to see in their men. As a nice guy he actually wants to make her happy, actually cares if she lives or dies, and actually has a plan for his future and no stupid habits. She’s ecstatic. “Omg you have no idea how few guys there are like you out there ♥”
Now I’ve made about every mistake a “nice guy” can make, some of them between 2 and 61 times. At times the “guy who didn’t get it </3, he doesn’t notice me”, other times the guy who didn’t shut up. (Okay, lots of times..)
I wrote this list in a Facebook post a while back. I’ve revised it a bit as to not leave out female readers.
After a few years of work on this and introspection, I came to this:
1) All you can worry about is you. If you know you have issues, fix them or work to remedy them. You will be better off for you, and for the person you wish to be with. If you find yourself saying, “It would just be better if I got someone else,” you’re probably self medicating your own problems with relationships. Stop using other people to fill the void, and work on yourself. You’re supposed to believe that you’re worth being with for someone else, NOT that you’re looking for someone to make all the bad things in the world stop being bad. You will always be disappointed.
2) Be confident. Don’t look for it in a powder in GNC, or a “sex panther” cologne, or a Dragon Ball Z gelled up haircut. (Besides, girls who go for that have the herp.) I don’t know what the female equivalent of this stuff is, but I know you ladies have bizarre rituals too. But here’s a ladies specific hint: Drop the gossip mags. A friend of mine once read a few of the theories the scholars of “Cosmo” had. They were garbage. I couldn’t even begin to describe in words just how devoid of reality those ideas were.
3) Don’t get stuck in a cycle of picking up trainwreck person after trainwreck person. They’re often beyond the fixing of a few weeks/months time of a single person. Some aren’t fixable. A lot of guys admit that they found “The one” when they stopped picking up the same sad story cases.
4) Water tends to find its level. Train-wrecks tend to find each other. Give it time, and grab the popcorn. /If you’re insistent on staying with a train-wreck, don’t ask for sympathy when this happens.
You’re not conducting the train. You’re along for the ride.
5) Be selective. Pick sane smart people that have a handle on basic logic. I know that’s difficult, but there’s no other way. Over and over again divorcees will mention, “I kept ignoring what I was seeing. Honestly I should have trusted myself.” That time they were AWFUL to a waiter/waitress for no reason. All those times they flipped out over absolutely nothing. The bad decisions. They usually sit there kicking themselves for ignoring the warning signs.
6) Stay the course. Nice guys do bad in the short term, but it’s the right path in the long term as long as he doesn’t get himself stuck in a tar pit. The same goes for ladies.
A true nice guy is a rarity. I’ve been told that by every woman with opposable thumbs that I’ve met, with only one exception. (I had the gall to tell her that ditching my best friend for an ex-con that’s “cute and in a band <3″ that was obviously cheating on a woman he was currently with – was a bad idea. Yeah, I’m the asshole.)
Seriously we keep hearing this stuff, “Nice guys finish alright in the end”- but it’s true.
7) Look for maturity in your prospective ladies. It will make life easier, even if things don’t work you end up with a good friend, one actually worth keeping – not that stupidly hot chick that complains about guys that don’t treat her right. Ladies- for you this doesn’t mean the guy who only calls you at 2am asking “What’s up.” He’s not worth your damn time.
8) You can’t fix stupid. I don’t care how hot she is. If she’s stupid she’s stupid. Move on. It’s just not worth it.
Same goes for men. Ladies if he’s got serious issues or a pattern of bad habits, you can’t fix him. Here’s the ugly truth: Often times people pick up those incredibly flawed people simply because they’re good looking. (That’s not to say that ugly people can have a bad personality as well, that happens of course). It’s the truth though. Stop making excuses because their only save graces are their looks, or they’re “fun to be around,” other things come to play in relationships, don’t ignore them.
9) Ladies specific: Don’t date him because “he tells me I’m pretty <3.” I’ve heard that herp-derp more than once. It seems basic to have to mention it, but I can’t stress it enough. More than one man will find you attractive, TRUST me. You are not saddled with picking the one that treats you like shit and takes you for granted. Yes he says he cares about you. If he’s saying it to four other women at the same time, those words likely don’t mean the same thing to you, that they do to him.
I’m not the paragon of dating knowledge, I won’t tell you I am. In fact some might think the above advice is so generic and general that it’s useless – but I assure you those things are true. It’s what the “been there done thats” try to tell every youngin’ that will listen. It will save time and heartache if we really take it to heart, it’s time honored dating logic.
I remember when it was time to get a new dog. The family all had ideas, we all had wants, and we had another dog in our memory. He was a 140lb german shepherd. Looked something like this.
His human equivalent would likely be a 6’5” 300lb strongman competitor, MENSA member, and nightclub bouncer. His name would be Hans Olaaffsson. His neck would start up behind his ears, his arms would be the size of most people’s legs, and he’d speak with a deep voice like Michael Clark Duncan. He was mostly a mellow guy until something set him off, then everyone would vacate.
Our new dog had a high bar to measure up to. When my Mother chose him and brought him home, we were all underwhelmed. He was a shaggy clumsy little puppy. When fully grown, he’d weigh 100lbs less than our old Shepherd. But, over time he wore on us, his personality was infectious. How did he change our minds? By being himself. Now, without further ado, it’s time to talk about 17 lessons I learned from this little fur-ball.
The Essence of the “Little Beast”, and how it can be an example for you
1) 110%, always. Impetuous. Whatever he does, he’s giving it his all. Be it running outside, barking at squirrels, chasing down his favorite toy, sleeping, greeting strangers, greeting us after a long day of work, he’s giving it 110%. The intensity is unshakable. This guy gives it his best no matter what he does.
2) Excellence is a habit. Consistency makes champions. It’s not just that he can give something 110%, it’s that he does it all the time, in everything he does. See, when Tiger Woods was a good golfer- people were capable of beating him on a given day, but it was near impossible to try to do it every day. That’s the different of a champion vs someone that’s an “also ran”. Lance Armstrong, same thing. You can beat lance on day, up one mountain, etc… But you could not beat him over the length of a tournament. This little guy is a dog’s dog, in everything he does. Strive for consistency and excellence, don’t be surprised to see excellent results!
3) Wear a smile, always. His default setting is intense happiness. It’s also his only real facial expression. His trademark smile is a constant. It can be hard to be negative, with such a positive force jumping on the couch next to you with his enthusiasm level on “Hurricane.”
4) Don’t cry about what others have, deal with the cards you’re dealt!
There are dogs that can run faster, have a deeper bark, better musculature, have stronger noses, better looks (in his own breed to boot), more creative thinkers, and more waterproof coats. I do not believe he sits around all day thinking about what other dogs have that he doesn’t. All you can worry about is you. That’s it. Sure, some may be better than you at some things, but they likely can’t do what you do either. Diversity is a hallmark of life! A draw full of spoons leaves many tasks undone. Do what it is you were born for. That leads me to the next lesson.
5) Purpose built for something? Don’t fight it! Embrace it!
This little guy is a terrier; terrier teeth, tenacious drive, inclination to chase small animals. Now factor in his near instant acceleration, his ability to change direction at top speed, his long attention span for game, the good nose, willingness to dig, his coat that allows him to sit outside in awful weather conditions for prolonged amounts of time – all assets in the pursuit of small game. When he sees something of interest, he doesn’t bark, he takes off after it. The hair on his paws make his sprint a silent one. That’s right, if you’re a squirrel, he’s a 40lb stealth fighter. He is purpose built for his task, and the woodland critters have taken notice. They do not stray within 35-40 feet of our backdoor anymore, especially during daylight hours. If the door is open, they are nowhere to be seen.
6) Things worth having are worth fighting for
When a big brown monolith rolls up your driveway and tries to attack your herd with a brown box? Open a can! That’s your herd, your family, your friends; don’t just sit there and take it. When someone wants to take your favorite toy? Don’t give it up without at least showing something. Are you going to let a difficult midterm possibly sidetrack your dreams post college? No. It’s a piece of paper, you cannot let it get the best of you. Sure, it’s hard, but you can at least give it your best! Bare your teeth, bark, and get through it. If you want it bad enough, you’ll be surprised at what you can do. You may not be able to tackle and maul that brown truck, but you’ll watch the man get back inside and leave your territory.
7) Showcase your talents
Many talented people never see their dreams come true. Schlubs end up with reality TV shows and millions of dollars. Why? Had people seen real talent, they’d have flocked toward it. If people think you need your own theme music when you enter the room? You’re doing right. (Our Dog’s is likely this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEbzpt7xS-k) If you can picture Chris Berman going, “WHOP!” while announcing something you did today? Even better! Your life should be a G-D highlight reel! When one of your favorite highlight reels is your own life, you’ll find yourself envying others less, and believing in yourself more.
8) This world is ours to explore, leave nothing behind.
This little guy has sniffed every crevice, crack, opening in the backyard.
9) When opportunity knocks, greet it by jumping on it and nibbling on its fingers excitedly, don’t let it get away.
10) Patience, persistence, perseverance.
You won’t always get things right the first time, so just keep trying. I’ve watched this little guy, sleep deprived, hungry, exhausted, panting- still chasing after his goal, determined to get it. Valorous? Maybe not. But driven and determined to get what he wants? Absolutely. I watched this little guy try to kill a bee, *with his face*. Not just his face, his nose, one of the most sensitive parts of his body. He was slamming the bee into slate. Crazy? Yep. Did he terminate it? Sure did.
11) People care about you, make sure they know you care back.
You may even be the one thing that went right that day for someone.
12) Recruit likeminded others to your causes. When he needs to go outside, he asks. He will then burst outside, run a bit, and turn around. Sometimes he’ll bring over a squeaky toy. Find creative ways to enlist others.
13) You can change others perceptions about you, when you prove yourself.
There are people you’ll never win over. **** ‘em, they are a sunk cost. But there are people who are on the fence. Give it a shot! After all, he sure changed our minds.
14) Sometimes, you just shouldn’t care what others think about what you like.
So what if the little guy is somewhat 1-dimensional with a trademark smile, and an upbeat personality. Guess what: he’s not a professional actor, he don’t need to convey 50 extremely different personalities. Being the little beast, will do just fine. Being you will do.
15) Don’t regret your faults and failings of yesterday. Forgive yourself. There was a time when this little dog was frumpy looking, physically feeble, inept, and tired easily. He peed in the house, he tore up the wrong things, and he wimpered too much. Guess what: That’s the past. He’s a real dog now.
We’ve all had hiccups in the past, so what we’ve all had bad imperfections and odd phases, but here’s a fun fact…Unless it’s a mountain of debt, a run in with the law, or the herp- That’s the past. All you can do is learn from it, improve, and go forward. Even good teams lose games and put one in the “L” column. Just worry about your next game! Crying about last week usually gets you nowhere.
16) Celebrate success. If you’ve worked hard to be something, to do something, to win something… celebrate if you get it! The taste of victory – you’ve earned it. Running around with it in your mouth, ears pinned back and tail wagging says “I win” for him, find out what it is for you.
17) “You never know”. One of the best things about life is the unknown. Sure, we all have dreams, but sometimes it’s the things we could never dream of that will one day find us. For this guy, who would have thought that being himself would inspire the humans around him? He can’t see in color, he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, and he has a goofy walk. He is not a motivational speaker, he did not attempt to be an example for humans by design. But you know what.. I’m sure willing to bet many of you reading this are realizing this goofy little guy has a point. If a 40lb dog with 1 facial expression and curly hair can motivate humans, imagine what you can do, if you give it a try.